Saturday, March 31, 2007

deepest,darkest

In my deepest, darkest moments I am back to that small, pensive, curly haired, big eyed girl that I used to be.
I think back to the insecurities, the loneliness, the desires. Wishing to break free and be my own person. Wanting to be treasured like the other little girls. Wishing for their pretty clothes and fun family outings. In my deepest, darkest moments I remember her heart so well, filled with love and yearning to soar. She felt like she would never grow up quick enough, never experience being in love, never be able to become a Mom. A lost soul who used to think she would die young before any of those wishes came true. In my deepest, darkest moments I wish so much for her. I wish she would have had more happy times, more hugs, more nurturing and encouragement. Long talks teaching life lessons while baking cookies. I wish I could go back and help her. I would give her a crystal ball to see her future, filled with a loving husband, loving children and friends. She would have been able to breathe a little easier, worry much less and try to make the best of each day... waiting till all her dreams came true.
go here
for more

17 comments:

TI said...

I love your post so much because it really resonates with that feeling of wanting more for the child we all once were. It sounds to me like you have learned the key to mothering yourself -- you can do all those things for yourself -- and that you will make a great mother if you are not one already. Beautiful deepest darkest.

Jane said...

Good morning sweet Lucy!! I loved this post too. It was if it was written by me....I felt EXACTLY the same way growing up. I was this shy, gawky, skinny little thing who thought I'd never move past that. It's taken me 42 years to find that child inside and really honor her for the special person she is. Happy weekend to you and your family :))

Amber said...

Ah, how much pain could we save ourselves if only we had that crytal ball to show our child-self? I think most of us feel this way.

But, we would also lose the character we gain from the fight to grow up! (ofcourse, *I* could have done with a little less "character", and a little more laughter, I don't know about you...lol)

rubyslippers said...

gosh, what a great description. i still find myself worrying if the future will turn out like i want it to. great reminder to just BE in the moment and enjoy where we are NOW.

Kimberley McGill said...

This touched my heart - I feel the compassion and love you have for the child you used to be.

Lucy said...

wow, I can't express how much all these beautiful comments mean to me. I almost didn't publish this because It felt too personal, I felt too exposed. Your understanding and supportive words make me feel happy" I Put it all out there." My blogging buddies truly are treasures.

Bug said...

Really kind post. I love how nice you are to your past self.

paris parfait said...

Such a lovely post, written with tenderness for your young self, who was filled with wistfulness and longing. I'm glad great things awaited your young self.

spider said...

Consider yourself hugged and comforted, dear Lucy. I wish we could have met as little girls. What a wonderful post you've written.

Regina Clare Jane said...

A lovely post Lucy- it seems all her dreams have come true...

Tori said...

I always think about going back and telling the younger me to relax, enjoy, be secure, and know that there are amazing things in store. The best thing I can do though is remind myself know when I am having my doubtful moments that the future will certainly be amazing!

Mardougrrl said...

What a lovely, encouraging "letter to your younger self"...it sounds like you've made so many of her dreams come true already.

Patois said...

It's just so very sad that she can't read this, that she doesn't know about what's around the corner. None of us do. Very lovely.

gautami tripathy said...

WE can't go back but we can strive for better. For that we need to work towards our goal. It is in our hands to make our drem come true.

This post made me think. Hence my outburst.

gautami
Stranger in the Mirror

daisies said...

a beautiful post that resonated with me ... lovely

deirdre said...

I wish for long conversations and hugs with the child I was, too. The years between then and now would have been easier.

giggles said...

The insecurities of childhood are haunting. I think we may have been friends’ way back when! I did get lots of hugs, but often felt they were empty when criticized so often. You are so fortunate to have a lovely family life now to balance that! Sorry little Lucy had to endure such sadness….As a child I remember always feeling sad….thankfully I am the Happytiler now!

Hugs Sherrie