Saturday, August 02, 2008

Massage my ass please

As I mentioned in my Friday fill in, I was looking very forward to redeeming my massage gift certificate tonight! It was a very thoughtful mothers day gift from my husband and youngest son. I had so enjoyed my last massage at my usual spa/nail salon.
Well, the last masseuse went back to korea so Tonight I was to receive my hour long massage from Teresa. I find it very amusing, that each Korean technician adopts an american name which has No correlation to their given names.
The massage room was the same, the same dim lighting, the same aromatic candles, the same heated table with soft comfortable blankets. I noticed the music was different. The last Korean girl, "Gina" played soft asian sounding music with sound effects of water trickling and windchimes blowing. Tonight, it was more along the lines of the soundtrack to deliverance. too much banjo strummin and a bit too up tempo. I tried to zone out the tunes and the image of that kid in that disturbing movie and tried to relax and focus on the warm creams, hot towels and the deep tissue massaging. I was really in the zone till Teresa lowered the blankets and began rubbing my ass.

She must have felt the tension in my buttocks, because in broken english she asked me a question, that I didn't quite catch but caught the gist of, she asked- Mass aj glooose?? Well, I must say I was not really sure of my answer! I am not an ass massage virgin mind you, my husbands full body massages are amazing and include much ass massaging. However, in all my platonic massage experiences- I have had the most discreet sessions. They've never even viewed my butt never mind kneading it like a giant ball of playdough. So, I lifted my stomach from the bed, turned my head toward her and in my best classy long island accent I asked "WHAWT???" I finally understood she was asking- Massage Glutes?? Before I could reply she tried explaining that "women especially need their Asses ( well she said Glutes) massaged." Apparently men may have tension headaches but we carry all our stress in our asses. I must change the subject a minute for my story to progress...
Age is an amazing thing! On the one hand you have MoRe wrinkles, MoRe sagging and mORe gray hair on the other hand is the absolute best part of aging- LESS inhibitions! Ten years ago when I walked my (much better looking) Ass into a fancy salon for my very first massage, tonight's Ass masssage situation would have made me VErY uncomfortable, embarrassed and it would have probably turned me off to the whole massage scene! BUT, being nearly FORTY nine yrs. old instead of thirty nine uptight years old, I replied to Teresa- "Sure, it feels great!" And it did feel great, but I found my mind drifting to WHAT Teresa may suggest when I rolled over onto my back?? Do we women ALSO carry too much stress in our Boobs?? Tension returned to my Ass as I pondered my defense! Tension also returned as I remembered Once when I was getting a manicure... Teresa Asked if my breasts were 'REAL'? I had thought it was such an odd question and I had the other korean girls laughing when I asked them if that was what she had just asked! She had then strangely admired and complimented my generous (stress?)-FULL bosom!
Now, here she was a bit uncomfortably close for.. well, um comfort.
The Discreet rollover.
The shoulder massaging.
The head massaging.
The face massaging.
and wait... What is this??? She is massaging INSIDE my ears! Weird Chick? YES, but thankfully, she stayed away from the girls, and my left jab! ( my idea for the most effective defense!)

Now PLEASE, Please tell me.... Have you ever had a massage AND if so... Did it include your ass?
I am just so curious if I just had a really thorough massage tonight or Will my Ass be featured on Utube Or Teresas bedroom wall tomorrow?
(didn't this post just SCREAM for a barry white tune? hope you're listening!)


forgetfulone said...

Gosh, you crack me up! They have GOT to make a sitcom of some of your experiences!

My last massage, about two weeks ago, and about a year before that, did include my glutes, but it was more the outer part of my hip, not the fleshy ass-grabbing stuff my husband does, and it was THROUGH the sheet, not under it. It does feel good, and I am less inhibited at (almost ) 43 than I was ten years ago, so I went with it.

I'm gonna have to draw the line at the girls, though. Stay away from them! Only my husband and my ob/gyn get to touch those.

As for the ears, I've had that once, and it was weird, not pleasant, so I can live without that. I really should go get one more massage before school starts in three weeks.

As always, I enjoyed your post!

raymond pert said...

I had to take a cold shower after reading this and it made me hunger for an ass massage. Uh..from Teresa, not Tom, if it's all the same.

I'm really happy I stopped by and read this post. It's the best.

Gill said...

LOL Loved this post. Being a massage virgin myself I never had a clue that ass-massaging even existed - you're educating me Lucy!

paisley said...

having only ever had one professional massage,, i have to say no,, it did not include the butt,, well ,, at least if it did i do believe i would have remembered.....

this would have been an absolute wonderful premise for a skit on seinfeld ...

Just Jen said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! ROFLLMHO!!! my 'head' off not my butt...ROFL
oh my goodness...she actually asked if your boobs were real? LOL...the ladies must still be perky then! LOL
I'd just die at that...LOL
yes, I have had the butt message but my cousin is a meussuss (spelling I so well, it's my cousin, who cares? but a stranger? stay away from this tush! ROFL
I'm 36, so in 4 years I might not care so much ROFL
I think men carry their stress in that one muscle beer gut...ROFL
Oh man I'm still laughing! This is hysterical, thanks for sharing!!
Can you hear me in your ears now? just doesn't stop...this is a keeper, I'll be back later to read it again...LOL

JP/deb said...

The Barry White music with this post was PRICELESS!!! Lucy, you're so damn funny. I've never had a helf-assed massage (literally and figuratively!) I also did have one female masseuse go for the sisters - it was really weird. Like you, my hang-ups are fewer as I age. hugs, JP/deb

Remiman said...

You are so good for my spirit!
I don't get a massage as often as I'd like, but do have one at the resort in Lake Placid every year, No, I've never had my butt massaged.
Maybe this year I'll request an ass rub. I'll metion your name as a referal.

mspennylane said...

Came to check out this post after your left your comment at my blog, and glad I did. Really funny! This is what I mean when I talk about taking everyday life and making a post out of it! I better get practicing.

myrtle beached whale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Queen-Size funny bone said...

If we carry stress in our ass cheeks than I am very stressed out, and the size of these cheeks show it.

myrtle beached whale said...

I am pretty sure that most masseuse training in Korea includes a "happy ending".

forgetfulone said...

New post on my journal if you have time.

Giggles said...

Haha Never, and never will now!! Funny stuff....Next time have it emblazoned on your underwear!! Don't touch the girls...or else.....!!!! Just to be sure they don't try for the happy ending!

Hugs Giggles

Overeducated Twit said...

Thanks for a good chuckle--loved the story. I'm not sure if it makes me more or less inclined to get a massage now....

keithsramblings said...

The one and only massage I ever had was in India when some guy walked up and down my back before
knocking seven bells out of me until I ached! Never again!

I'm off to YouTube!

Askew To You said...

I went to school for massage therapy and my instructor skipped the ass massage portion. It was in our book, though.

I could use a good ass massage after a long hike. Ouch.