The games people play

Last week I had an odd thing happen to me. A perfect stranger boldly offered me advice. A man whose company i was in for maybe a half an hour said to me. Can I give you some advice? I said 'Sure"
He said... "you really have to stop saying 'I'm sorry" so often. You've apologized at least 3 times. It makes it look like you have no self worth". I was so taken back. I guess a woman with MORE self worth would have replied.. 'well considering we just met I think it's very forward/presumptuous/nervy/impolite/ of you to offer such advice. Actually I don't really know what a 'normal' woman would respond. What would YOU have said?? Please tell me, because even though I KNOW I am VERY worthy and I totally respect myself I don't think I responded in a self worthy way!! And I often show an insecure side. Would you like to know what I said? I said.... "you know what? My husband has been telling me for many years to stop apologizing" (although my husband NEVER said I don't appear to have self worth) So Mr. Bold said to me.. "well he must love you very much." To which I confidently responded... "he adores me!"
After this encounter, I vividly remembered the first Time Mr. Petals did voice this.
I was pregnant for our first son and i thought labor had begun. The dr. said to come straight to the hospital to get checked because that's where he already was. It was a sunday and it ended up a false alarm. I apparently apologized more than a couple of times for bothering him unnecessarily. When he left the room, my husband yelled, 'WHY are you apologizing? He is your Doctor! This is what we've paid him for! Stop saying Im sorry!!!"
A few days ago, a dear friend pointed out to me that it's not so much that I'm insecure as I am very compassionate and kind and use "I'm sorry" to be tender. I also sometimes use it instead of an 'excuse me' as I did one of the times in front of Mr. bold, when I thought I got in some ones way.

I don't know why I am having a difficult time getting this out of my head. Did mr. bold mean to play mind games with me? Or Did he ever think twice about his insolent remark? Did he truly think he was in a position to be helpful? I really don't know. Maybe it wasn't a game at all and there is a reason for this as I think there is a reason for everything that happens. It HAS made me notice that I apologized to all of you in my last post, and today at work it made me stop myself a few times from saying 'Im sorry" to a few clients. Like, While brushing some ones face with the cape I was putting on them, I instead chose... 'OOOPS!". but is ooops better?? I think
sorry makes more sense. Maybe I think too much about too much?! Who knows! Maybe you know? I won't apologize for ThIS post as I did the last but can I say Thanks? Does that sound insecure too? Thanks for listening! Hope u leave your opinion, because unlike mr. bold.. this time I am asking for advice! :))

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My beholder

Most days my morning routine of getting ready for the day consists of doing everything quick. quick shower, quick makeup and hair scrunch. I quickly look at myself in the mirror and hate the crows feet around my tired looking eyes. As I apply blush like I'm speed painting, I notice how much better my chin would look if I could only pull up on my chubby cheeks. Scrunching while cursing my frizzy curls... As I am getting older, I am wishing to find more time to s l o w down for leisure pampering. Primping like I used to enjoy in my younger PRE- working-mommy Crazy days. This luxury only seems to happen lately, if I am getting ready for a date night out with my husband. The shower much longer, trying new body oils. Shaving both legs at the SAME time.
Taking time to massage fragrant creams into my skin.. extra massaging for legs, feet, arms, neck.
During this pampering he usually walks into our bedroom and with one sensuous look I read the piercing tenderness and love he feels so deeply for me. Somehow my unruly hair then strikes me as wild and beautiful. My crows feet are ignored as I slowly apply my eye makeup to eyes refreshed. Exhilarated to the way he can make me quiver and truly savor the sensuality and beauty of being a woman.

(sorry..this is an older post that seemed appropriate for sunday scribblings prompt-beauty)
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Squishes and wishes

Two weeks ago I went for my yearly torture session at the mammography center. Some of my friends have told me that they don't find this test so torturous. Me? I'd rather go through child birth. I find it SO painful that it brings me to tears. You would think my expression of fear and pain would lead the tech. to be more sensitive and compassionate?? NOT so! They become abrupt and impatient. This time she said to me.. Listen.. we can be done in 5 minutes or I will continue this for 10 hours if that's what it takes! (i wanted to yell...bitch!!) Somehow though, when they have your boob squished in a machine while they are being so rude, it's kind of terrifying to stand up for yourself and tell them off. I try to be very cooperative, hoping to stir up some warmth.
Anyway, After a scare last year which led to FURTER torture and a biopsy but thankfully a good outcome, I became so upset again this year, when they called two days after the squash-fest to tell me I needed further testing (smashing) due to the finding of 'asymmetric density'. For two weeks, I've imagined the worst scenarios (nearly had a car accident while doing so) googled asymmetric density, lost sleep, confided in my best girlfriends, and basically worried myself sick. Yesterday, I was tortured in that obscene machine 5 more times, the last 40 pounds of pressure hurting and pissing me off SO much that I left there swearing Out loud to my husband that I am done with being loyal to preventive health! "NeVER again!!!""

Thankfully I found out once again... I am okay... nothing unusual was seen on the films.
So, How timely was it for me to see the announcement in the news yesterday morning that government scientist are now recommending NOT beginning routine mammograms until you're in your 50's, unless you are in a high risk category. One of the reasons being TOO many false positives. For the past 10 years, I have had at least 3 false positives which led to too much stress and unnecessary radiation and procedures and TOO much SQUiShing! Seeing this new recommendation should then make sense to me, right? Yet, it doesn't. Upon hearing this, I immediately thought of three women who I love who thankfully are alive today, due to a mammography finding their breast cancer while they were in their 40's. I have to believe that these last 10 years of torture couldn't have been needless. Like the pain in child birth, you must get a natural amnesia to mammogram pain, because already today, I feel like if smashing our boobs in a torture chamber once a year can help save just one precious woman, someone's loving Mom, a cherished daughter, a sweet sister or a special friend, then We should continue to listen to the american cancer societies recommendation and continue with these early screenings and of course with self examination. I can't believe this new study is telling us that this is a waste of time too. I, myself discovered a tumor, thankfully benign, in my 30's. I always tell my ladies (my hair clients).... if you don't want to self examine... let your partner or spouse do the exams for you. Not only are you taking preventive measures for your health, but also healthy measures for your relationship!

What also has me worried about this new recommendation, is I am SURE it won't be long before those bastard health insurance companies consider this a very convenient loop hole as to why they shouldn't cover screenings, even if a patients doctor believes in recommending it.
And what I am wishing for... Is a more humane alternative to the Mammogram. My friend was telling me about a painless test called a Thermogram.
Although after researching this, it seems it is best not alone, but in conjunction with the wicked mammo.
To surmise.. I am so grateful that my test findings were good. Breast cancer is so prevalent, especially here on Long Island, that if any change is needed, it's that we need to be More conscientious in finding a cure and doing whatever we can to prevent the devastation of being diagnosed and dealing with breast cancer.

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AH, the wisdom of friends

Well after two and a half months of jumping through ridiculous hoops, my youngest son is FInALLY a jr. volunteer at our local hospital. It is such a long story that I won't bore you too much with the ridiculous rules they had like all the different days your were only allowed to make a call on just for an appointment for a test or shot. Then, Have to wait two weeks and repeat the test just in case of false negatives. The film to see on hand washing, the zillions of attempts at calling for various appointments that never were returned. (Apparently they don't have enough volunteers handling the jr. volunteer program.) I will just say that tonight is his first night, and since he wants to be a nurse, I am hoping it will be a positive experience. They only need him for two hours each friday to transport patients. ( sure at the height of one of the worst pandemics our country has seen, Brilliant Lucy has her kid in contact with the worst of it). I am hoping since he already had the swine flu in June, he has the antibodies to fight off danger. Although, I am considering asking our pediatrician and bringing him in for the vaccine, to be on the safe side.
So anyway.. the whole point of my scribblings, which I've been distracted from... This hospital is 20 minutes from our home. I drove him there and drove 20 minutes back home to do one clients haircut. NOW... in a few minutes I will have to drive another back and forth totaling.. EIGHTY MINUTES .. to have my son do his 2 hour good deed in our community. Hello?? The stupidity of this should have been apparent,no? NO! It wasn't! I needed the advise of my genius friend this morning, who's wisdom shone down on me, like a crazed mothers personal oracle, as she said.. "ARE U CRAZZY??" (wow! I found a way to use the word oracle!)
"Take this time to relax.. find a local book store or coffee shop and just sit with a good book for the two hours." We women really do need each other, don't we?? Especially when stress gets in the way of good old common sense. So I am happily rescheduling my upcoming November and December friday night
clients and I am taking this opportunity that I was going to allow to add additional work and stress in my life... and turning into a night to look forward to. Lucy time.
:))

Did u ever?

One day back in the crazy 70's, I walked into a lavish hair salon, looking for work. The owners were these two free spirited sisters and they gave me my most unusual interview. No social security number needed, No questions like " do you have experience?" or "Are you a licensed cosmetologist?" It was not necessary to bring in a model and do a haircut. All they wanted to know was my birth place/day/ time/ year. They were going to chart me. They needed to find out if I would be in harmony with their surroundings. They called with the bad news the next day. I can tell you for sure, It was the ONLY time I didn't get a job because my sun was in Pisces. Oh well, it worked out For the best, 'cause I had a feeling that their idea of harmony was conflicting with...Planet earths.
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