Sunday, August 22, 2010

dangerously honest

Is it dangerous to throw our feelings out to cyber space? Since joining face book, I am realizing that so much that I had written on this blog, that i felt so safe to share with unknown readers, is now being read by people who are actually in my life, who actually mean a lot to me. I was so naive to think i was ever being anonymous on the WORLD WIDE web! What a moron! Speaking from the heart, honestly, pouring out your feelings, letting hurtful memories dance free on the page instead of festering in your gut, without considering WHO may read them, may have been dangerous but it was also therapeutic. After the phone call I just had... I am throwing danger to the Wind of the web once more! It's not that I haven't learned my lesson... NO.. it's that i've reached a point where i just don't give a damn anymore! I have reached a point where I am tired of always trying to be the respectful daughter to a mother who is clueless to what respect means. Dangerous yet? you betcha!
I feel so hurt today, but it IS my own fault. When will I learn that I can't ever tell my mom something in confidence? Venting my feelings to her last week only to find out she called my sister and misconstrued my entire point? Shouldn't a mother try to bring her children CLOSER together?? I know that's what I do. I am Always encouraging my sons to be close. For her to go out of her way and TRY to make trouble between her two daughters seems dangerously demented. For her to then try and deny the fact that it was anything but hurtful and wrong, makes it all the more hurtful. WHY would a mom do this? Does AnYONE have some insight?

To make the conversation just a wee bit more painful, when something she said brought me back to the fact that she abandoned me at 17 years old and chose her 3rd husband over her daughter, she conveniently had amnesia to THE ENTIRE EVENT in our history. I had to tell her the story and RE-Live it again in my heart. She claimed she has NO memory of it all going the way it went. She sounded shocked by her actions over 30 years ago. She didn't even remember the fact that my sister stopped speaking to her for 2 years over how She treated me.
It was NOT my intention to make my mom feel badly about herself today.It was my intent to tell her HOW disappointed she made me by disrespecting my confidence in her. NOW I am left with my heart aching all over again. The pain this woman continues to give me is dangerous to my well being. The well being blogging continues to give me just seems to help me to heal.
sunday scribblings

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Inheritance tracks

My talented, lovely friend Keith over at Keiths ramblings Passed this on to me....
Keith wrote...."Every Saturday morning at about 9.50am, the BBC’s ‘sensible’ channel, Radio Four, broadcasts a short feature called ‘Inheritance Tracks. Each week a person of fame, intelligence, notoriety or illustriousness selects two pieces of music: the first is a recording which has been part of their lives for as long as they can remember, and the second, a track which they would like to pass on to future generations. Although I have myself broadcast on the radio in the past, I’m not of sufficient prominence to be invited to contribute to this delightful weekly diversion, so I thought I’d set up my stall here! May I present to you the Inheritance Tracks of.... ME!"

Well Keith, Here is MY View on the subject!... I've given this some thought, yet I still would like to choose the FIRST song that popped into my head when I First read the first part of your prompt. For as Long as I can remember my mother loved to sing. As a child I didn't appreciate her love for music as much as I wish I would have. I have such vivid memories of going to many house parties as a child and EVERY time, no matter where we were, my mom would break out into song! I remember clearly being mortified! My siblings and I would roll our eyes and feel the heat of embarrassment cover our red little faces! Today, I think back to those days and feel pride for her fun loving spirit and regret that I wasn't mature enough to appreciate and truly enjoy her self confidence and outgoing nature. She sang many songs and today at 81 years old, she STILL has a very powerful voice and is often heard belting out tunes in the surgery waiting room at the hospital that she volunteers at!
ONE song stands out over all the rest, maybe because i knew it was considered a 'dirty' song and that of course is Quite impressive to any kid! It was difficult to find the complete song on you tube. My mother seemed to have many extra verses about lazy mary because I remember one verse being about a butcher man...Well here it is.. First verse in Italian and second in English... just the way mama sang it! I can see her clearly. She's laughing and gesturing with the lyrics and has a captivated audience who are all so happy they came to this fun party! This song really has been part of my life since the day I was born and will always be in my heart next to mama mia. Please listen to... C'e La Luna Mezzo Mare

Now.. as far as a song that I would love to pass on to future generations.... That's easy.. Even though there are a zillion inspirational songs with beautiful messages out there... There is only one that sums it all up so beautifully for me, so hopeful, so moving, so what I hope for future generations... Just Imagine all the possibilities..

(thanks mr.keith! not only did i enjoy doing this... You've got me blogging again!) xoxo