Thursday, September 20, 2012

the GOOD and bad of this past week

The good... I taught  an extremely HIGH energy one hour Zumba class on Sunday. I was feeling very 'on' despite feeling very nervous/anxious to know that two zumba instructors were taking/observing my class because they've heard great things about how I teach, As was one of my bosses at another zumba job.

the bad.... after class my heart didn't feel so well... not really racy because we did have a 10 minute cool down...just a  weird feeling of pressure and me being conscious of it which I never experienced before.
Then, On the drive home I had indigestion, and weird discomfort in my left arm.
I kept pushing thoughts of 'heart attack symptoms' out of my usually neurotic brain and took a shower.
I tried to eat lunch, but felt nauseous and couldn't eat.

The Good AND bad?....GOOGLE...  gee's it's either a life saver or death sentence, isn't it?...

The bad... after reading that I had FOUR heart attack symptoms and how usually women's symptoms are more of a 'whisper'... I began to feel very panicky as I thought of my 42 year old neighbor who came home from work this past June with only pain in his left arm. He chose valium & a nap over a 911 call
and never woke up!  My other neighbor also had subtle signs and his wife forced him to get checked and he found he had indeed had a heart attack!

The Good- I decided to chew two low dose asprins.
the bad/stupid..  Yet, I forced myself to push all those crazy thoughts out of my overly imaginative mind, determined to enjoy the most gorgeous weather and take a drive to the beach to walk with my husband... I continued getting ready for the beautiful day we had looked so forward to sharing but as I put on my blush... my jaw began to hurt... Symptom FIVE!  Yet, I said nothing and got in the car to head off for our lovely day off together.

The Good-   as we got to the gas station, I felt another flutter in my chest, I began crying and panicking  and decided  it's SO much better to be safe and alive than dead and sorry, So...finally I called 911 from my car as my husband stepped on it and drove the 3 minutes back home in only 1 minute to meet  The ambulance and paramedics who were dispatched. They arrived in 2 minutes time! They were all wonderful despite me not being able to stop crying, i guess from fear, embarrassment, more FEAR. My EKG was normal but they still needed to get me to the hospital because the blood work would be the determining factor.
the bad- my blood pressure which has ALWAYS been 120/70 was 170/90. That really made me worry, probably pushing it even higher.

The bad-  Why is it that even without a siren on... EVERY neighbor knows to come outside and stare when there is an ambulance and several other emergency vehicles on a street. more tears/ fears/embarrassment  :(

The Good-  The EMT HEROS were so wonderful and really tried to make me feel calm and safe. I've never been in an ambulance before, but they made it much less traumatic.
 After IV fluids, and two series of blood tests in the ER.. They determined I DID NOT have a heart attack, most likely a panic attack! although my pressure was still high, they finally let me go home with instructions to follow up with a cardiologist.

MORE GOOD!-  after two BAD,worrisome days of just not feeling well and STILL having subtle symptoms and still believing in my heart that my heart was somehow not doing well... my cardiologist yesterday, gave me a check up and convinced me that what I've been going through is more likely related to anxiety about worrying and THINKING I was having a heart attack. Between The scary thoughts of my poor neighbors, the worry I shared with her about  my grandma who died at MY age in her sleep of a heart attack, and the worry that I am teaching extremely physical classes at my age, and the fact that I really AM  an overly imaginative, extremely sensitive,  crazy girl!  She reminded me of the stress test I had two years ago that I did 'OFF the charts' Exceptionally well on!  She wants to repeat another stress test but in the mean while... wants me to continue LIVING my life and put my fears and worries behind me. (an occasional xanax or glass of wine is recommended as well!!)
  I am so grateful to be okay and I think it's my extreme fear of dying that keeps me always thinking the WoRSt!  I am reminded of a lyric in the BEAUTIFUL Jason Mraz song...'living in the moment' that I should REALLY start following... he sings...
"I will not waste my days thinking of all kinds of ways to worry about all the things that will NOT happen to me"

How often do you do this?  I tend to spend too much time dwelling on thoughts of 'what if this happened  and that'??  and what would i do IF this or that happened??... when often those fears never materialize. When these crazy/wasteful thoughts come into my mind... I am going to try to merengue them away and just try to enjoy living in the moment. !
xtra good stuff that I almost forgot to include....
the loving words, actions and devotion of my husband who would NOT leave my side. The love, healing words and concern from my best friend Carol. My three sweet loving boys.  Also..
getting home from the ER to the beautiful concerned  phone call from my sweet friend/ neighbor Lynn and  the next day...finding a YUMMY tin of homemade cookies from another lovely friend and neighbor  Emily, with a note that made me cry... "PLEASE DON'T EVER SCARE US LIKE THAT AGAIN!"   (there's So much good in my life!)