Saturday, September 19, 2009

Oh Pabbi Minn

Today as I listen to a favorite tune... It brings to mind this older post.. and since I've been taking a bit of a sabbatical from blogging... I decided to RE-post one from a few years ago.. Maybe because I miss blogging or maybe because of the palpability of my grief or maybe I am hoping my few readers are still checking in to see if I have anything worthwhile to say... Whatever it is... I am sharing this again until some creativity comes over and hits me on the head with a brick or something.
thanks for checking in!

My dad passed away when I was 3 years old. My memories of him are more ingrained in me because of the stories I've heard about him. I'm not sure if they're real memories. My dad had a heart condition that was brought on from having Rheumatic Fever as a child.( With todays medical miracles, he could have been cured.) He was frail and restricted from vigorous activities. One story about him that I always treasured was that he always carried me around on his shoulders. My mom would always worry that I was too heavy and would yell at him to put me down. As a parent myself, I understand why he didn't listen. If you know you aren't going to be with your kids for too much longer, you take your chances and hang on tight.
I was (and still am) "the baby" of the family.
(When you are "the baby" you take this title with you till the end! I'm 47 and my mom still refers to me as the baby).

I think The weird thing about losing someone so important at such a young age is that the grieving process is the opposite of losing someone as an adult. As an adult the pain is present for a long time and fades a bit, the longer time has passed. The opposite is what I've been experiencing. Of course at 3 years old I had no clue of what was happening to my family. As I grew, there were times I felt curious and even embarrassed about not having a dad. During my teen years, I thought often of him and wanted to hear the stories and "get to know" him. As a young woman planning my wedding I wept -- knowing that he wouldn't walk me down the aisle. He wouldn't know the woman I had become or the man I was going to spend my life with. Raising my sons, I wished for their sake as well as for my dads that they would have had each other to love and learn from. Even Now, 44 years after he has died, I think of him often and get choked up as I am now, trying to write this.
One of my favorite songs brings me to tears each time I hear it. It is Bjorks version of an old song called oh my papa. In her native icelandic language it translates to Pabbi Minn. ( If you click this you can hear her beautiful version) Even though I don't understand a word she is saying, I can't hear this song without missing my poor dad. As I listen to her flawless, gripping voice- I can imagine myself weightless on his loving shoulders, being carried into my future with him always being there, making my life's journey simply idyllic.


Queen-Size funny bone said...

My father made me play that song at my wedding and we danced to it. Believe it or not growing up we had a record. I know all the words and sing it for a joke once an while when he's around. Lovely post. Nevermind the brick How about a kick in the,

Tumblewords: said...

Wonderful post - I'm reading it on the anniversary of my father's death and find I'm missing him as much now as I did at first. Nice tribute, Lucy!

Penny said...

I understand your feelings about blogging. I have seen so many of my favourite bloggers have it at the moment. But I'm glad you've reposted an old post. What a heartfelt post. That's such a lovely song too.

Forgetfulone said...

It's therapeutic to write about feelings of loss. I lost my dad as a grown woman, totally unexptedly, almost five years ago. You don't ever really get over it. I'm sorry for your loss, and at such a young age.

Giggles said...

Seems like the creative muse has taken a long vacation on my end too! But I feel the energy is being redirected for the moment! Nice read even the second time round for me!!

Hugs Giggles

Linda Jacobs said...

I lost my dad as an adult but I know what you mean about certain songs reminding you of your dad. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of mine.

This is a beautifully written memorial!

maglomaniac said...

Never mind the creative block.
Writers like you easily overcome this.
But what you have written is sad yet beautiful.
This is the 1st time when I saw things this way.
Cause I always felt that at an age like 3 you hardly know anything and hence hardly any pain.
But,now I do understand.


Thom Gabrukiewicz said...

Good stuff. Thanks for pointing me to this.