Sunday, August 22, 2010

dangerously honest

Is it dangerous to throw our feelings out to cyber space? Since joining face book, I am realizing that so much that I had written on this blog, that i felt so safe to share with unknown readers, is now being read by people who are actually in my life, who actually mean a lot to me. I was so naive to think i was ever being anonymous on the WORLD WIDE web! What a moron! Speaking from the heart, honestly, pouring out your feelings, letting hurtful memories dance free on the page instead of festering in your gut, without considering WHO may read them, may have been dangerous but it was also therapeutic. After the phone call I just had... I am throwing danger to the Wind of the web once more! It's not that I haven't learned my lesson... NO.. it's that i've reached a point where i just don't give a damn anymore! I have reached a point where I am tired of always trying to be the respectful daughter to a mother who is clueless to what respect means. Dangerous yet? you betcha!
I feel so hurt today, but it IS my own fault. When will I learn that I can't ever tell my mom something in confidence? Venting my feelings to her last week only to find out she called my sister and misconstrued my entire point? Shouldn't a mother try to bring her children CLOSER together?? I know that's what I do. I am Always encouraging my sons to be close. For her to go out of her way and TRY to make trouble between her two daughters seems dangerously demented. For her to then try and deny the fact that it was anything but hurtful and wrong, makes it all the more hurtful. WHY would a mom do this? Does AnYONE have some insight?

To make the conversation just a wee bit more painful, when something she said brought me back to the fact that she abandoned me at 17 years old and chose her 3rd husband over her daughter, she conveniently had amnesia to THE ENTIRE EVENT in our history. I had to tell her the story and RE-Live it again in my heart. She claimed she has NO memory of it all going the way it went. She sounded shocked by her actions over 30 years ago. She didn't even remember the fact that my sister stopped speaking to her for 2 years over how She treated me.
It was NOT my intention to make my mom feel badly about herself today.It was my intent to tell her HOW disappointed she made me by disrespecting my confidence in her. NOW I am left with my heart aching all over again. The pain this woman continues to give me is dangerous to my well being. The well being blogging continues to give me just seems to help me to heal.
sunday scribblings


keiths ramblings said...

Oh Lucy, I'm speechless. I can feel the bitterness and resentment in your words. I hope it helped to air your feelings in public. A very brave thing to do x

K said...

Mother daughter relationships are "something else". I hear you loud and clear. I do hope that you are able to move past this and find the peach and solace you wish to have. I also hope that you are able to forgive...this helps to sooth the pain, it really does.

Good luck Lucy, all my best.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I call my mother a blabber mouth to her face. Try being one of 6. you tell her something and by time it gets through 5 other people I've hurt someone or made a enemy. Then when all us kids are not one happy family she yells at ME that I'm pulling the family apart. I ignore so much just to keep peace but the truth is sometimes I think the mothers enjoy all the drama.

Roan said...

My opinion, if you can't talk to your mother and trust your words to be confidential, who can you trust? Plus, you shouldn't have to tell her your words are in confidence. I hope the rant helped.

flaubert said...

Lucy I hear you loud and clear in this piece but it is best to forgive and forget.
We are only human after all.
Thanks for sharing this.

threesidesofcrazy said...

Lucy I just popped in to say hi and was astounded by what you wrote. Having gone through a similar family issue, my rhuematologist told me that it was okay to divorce your family or at least take a trial separation to take care of yourself. I don't know if that advice helps you, but I do know that making yourself sick over it won't nor will you being upset change her if it is a embedded trait she has.

JanePoet/deborah said...

this struck such a chord for me Lucy ... i have a mother who has done all that and more ... and, one by one her family members, stepchildren and children have all had to step away. like you said, "dangerous to my well being."

so glad that you are part of this supportive blogging community :)