deepest,darkest

In my deepest, darkest moments I am back to that small, pensive, curly haired, big eyed girl that I used to be.
I think back to the insecurities, the loneliness, the desires. Wishing to break free and be my own person. Wanting to be treasured like the other little girls. Wishing for their pretty clothes and fun family outings. In my deepest, darkest moments I remember her heart so well, filled with love and yearning to soar. She felt like she would never grow up quick enough, never experience being in love, never be able to become a Mom. A lost soul who used to think she would die young before any of those wishes came true. In my deepest, darkest moments I wish so much for her. I wish she would have had more happy times, more hugs, more nurturing and encouragement. Long talks teaching life lessons while baking cookies. I wish I could go back and help her. I would give her a crystal ball to see her future, filled with a loving husband, loving children and friends. She would have been able to breathe a little easier, worry much less and try to make the best of each day... waiting till all her dreams came true.
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Conversation with..... My cousin Vinny?

A recent conversation with a potentially new (mobile) Dog Groomer- ( who by the way, says on her away message (with an attitude)" it may take me a few days to get back to you," she got back to me 6 days later)
Me- thanks for calling back, Are you taking on new clients?
her- Yeah
Me- Oh good, My Friend Dawn Highly recommended you,
I have a schnoodle and a cockapoo...
her ( interrupting me)- whey do ya live
me- about 5 min. from Dawn
her (Interrupting me again)- I doWn't go dat far.
me- excuse me? ( and with a very nice tone) I am just a bit south of her, maybe 5 min.'s
her- No, my van is falling aparrrt and I don't go further den i have to-
you gotta understand, this ding is gonna need a lot a repairs dat I can't afford.
Me- ( hesitant and befuddled) I seeeee, thanks for calling. Click


Hellloooooo???? Is it me, or wouldn't grooming 2 new pets bring you a bit closer to affording things?
How independent for someone driving a dilapidated van( and needing some speech classes?)
If you remember my good golly miss molly story, you will know why a groomer coming to the house sounded so perfect.
The truth is the girl that I usually take Molly to, does a great job. Now that a sweet pal gave me a new secure collar/leash combo... I think this was a VERY good outcome.

Who's your Idol Favorite?

Is this years American Idol just not too exciting? You have your Lakisha and Melinda. They're amazing singers. You have Cool Beat boxing Blake, he is definitely the best guy. You have your adorable, Poised, charismatic Jordan (my fav!) But the others are kind of Blahhhhh. I only started watching Idol 2 seasons ago. That was the year Carrie won. There were many exciting singers, Like Nadia and Bo & Constantine. Last year Taylor was my favorite from the get go. Was he the Best singer? No... My husbands favorite Chris Daughtry probably was. Taylor though, had such charisma and was SO entertaining. Of course let's not forget he had Soul too.
Is it me? Am I idled out after 2 seasons? How Sanjaya could even be considered in the running is amazing. My cockapoo Molly belts out better sounds when wanting to come inside. ( Gee, that sounded like something Simon would say) As good as Lakisha and Melinda are, I don't know, they just don't seem like Idol material. Shouldn't an idol ideally be younger? Not be married? Not be a parent? I guess I have that old movie " The idol maker" in the back of my head. An up and coming kid the boys/girls will go gaga over. Has anyone heard of that movie? It's pretty old, maybe 20 years. Peter Gallager plays the kid that they make into a star. I bet it was his first movie. I remember really liking it.
So, for me Jordan Sparks possesses the attributes I think it takes to fill those Idol shoes. ( Although, I don't think she will win because most people don't seem to agree with me) At only 17 I am so impressed with her assuredness and bubbly personality. If you put me in that spotlight at that age I think I would have turned inside out. I am rooting for her, so I will try to hang in there and watch these other Idol fakers try to entertain each week. I would love to hear your point of view. Maybe you can enlighten me as to How I may enjoy the others.
(I just looked up The Idol maker.... Here is the info if you are interested.

Fruit tale

Recently at the grocery store I bought 2 pears. Within 2 days I ate the pears, they were delicious. I have no idea how much they cost. Maybe 2 pears for 1.50? Not really sure, But.... Two weeks ago I see Pears at costco. About 12 giant Anjou pears for 5.99. Bear in mind, I have no idea if this is a great deal, but I assume everything at costco is so I buy those. It took about a week for them to ripen. I had a delicious one several days ago I had another sweet, yummy one a couple of days ago. (by the way, No one else in my family likes pears) Today I threw away 10 rotten pears. I am no math genius but the two pears I ate were $3.00 each, and now I don't think they were THAT tasty. That Costco is trouble, last week I threw away a few pounds of strawberries, one loaf of green bread ( had to buy it in two's), and a stinky piece of stuffed salmon. When will I learn? I should probably stick to buying only non food items. OR, I can do what I see SO many people do there. RETURN the rotten, smelly food that sat in my house a whole week and pretend it's Costcos fault. I have even seen people returning used shrubs! Seriously, they've been in the ground, they have roots and trails of dirt. Maybe they forgot to water the poor bush, but costco takes them back. geee...... where did I throw those rotten pears??? ( only kidding)

bewitchen in the kitchen

I'm sure many would agree that the kitchen seems to be the nerve center of the home. It's the room we congregate in whether we are eating, playing board games, doing homework, celebrating birthdays, painting pictures,having heart to hearts, writing bills, and oh yea.... cooking.
My children have had more meaningful, heart-wrenching conversations with me in the kitchen while I'm emptying the dishwasher... than anywhere else. My kitchen has also had it's fair share of things being flung. What do plates, pork roasts, Clogs and pastina all have in common? Yep, they are just some of the items that have hit the walls of my cute kitchen. When my middle son was younger he couldn't swallow pills. His asthma was very bad and the doctor prescribed steroids. Little pills that HAD to be swallowed. After many hours spent trying to put them in applesauce and pudding and even pizza. Crazy momma got very frustrated and as embarrassing as it is to admit. I whipped off my clog and flung it at him! ( No, Not child abuse.... Last second I came to my senses and aimed high and have the hole in the wall to prove it) It didn't help the situation, he still didn't take those damn pills, but it made me feel better.

When my oldest was a baby in the high chair, he decided it would be fun to take his full bowl of pastina and throw it in the air. I had pastina dripping off the walls the furniture and the chandelier! ( Do you know how that shit sticks to everything?) I'm sure you moms know what I mean when I say it was the last straw that day. It was one of those times where daddy had to intervene. Momma couldn't take it that day, and had to leave the room in tears while one wonderful dad cleaned baby and house top to bottom. (gee, I didn't think talking about my favorite room would make me loook like a lunatic) To hear of my misconstrued lunacy though you must read further about the infamous pork roast story.....

When I was pregnant for our third son, I was nauseous almost the whole nine months. Looking at food and cooking it was a nightmare. One day I left it up to my husband, who decided to buy and cook a pork roast. For the two hours that thing was cooking I was complaining relentlessly. He finally LOST it and opened the oven and threw it in the garbage. I got so angry at him and we had an argument, which included me flinging a few plates off the table and into our walls . Well, my 5 year old was unfortunately a witness to this whole terrible, but thank god extremely rare fighting. The following school year, the teacher was talking about how everyone fights and all the kids were telling stories. My little boy gets up in front of the class and interprets the pork roast story with his fast moving body and speedy words like this......" One day my mom was so mad at my dad that she picked up a chicken and threw it at his head"! the class couldn't control their laughter. My girlfriend called me hysterically laughing because her 6 yr. old who was in the same class got off the bus and told her this story. Again, everyone thinks I'm a looney. I didn't throw meat at his head! But the visual of N. telling this chicken story is worth the bad rap.
photos of some of my favorite things in my kitchen #1 a hutch that my husband refinished #2 a madallion he painted #3 my duck house and #4 a picture my third son drew in the 3rd grade
for more kitchen stories go here

Dress Success

I finally found a dress! Since January I have been looking for an appropriate dress for a wedding that I'm attending in April. You may have read about my "try on" struggles. You may have read about the search for the correct bra for a dress I bought and have since returned in this post( second paragraph)
This has been exhausting. I've been to Seven different stores. I have tried Petite and regular styles. I took varied sizes depending on styles. I tried a zillion undergarments for the dress I thought I was going to keep. Bus-tiers and tummy tuckers. Have you seen some of these? They are like breast and tummy straight jackets. Whole pieces that you step into and need a helper to do so! I was thinking... How the hell will I pee? I will have to undress each time and call in a bridesmaid or two to pull me back together. My husbands patience during this 2 month shopping hell has been exemplar. He has sat and held my purse. He has gone back to the rack for sizes. He has patiently helped me with accessories. I have nicknamed him Clinton
Well, after realizing this dress and all its necessary torturous undergarments are just NOT for me, Clinton suggested I go on line and shop for dresses. I though he was crazy, Didn't he just watch how difficult this was with tangible items? How the hell will a cyber dress fit? Nothing is as it appears on this monitor. I didn't have the heart to disagree with him, after all he had been through. I ordered many dresses knowing I could return them to the store. Nordstrom is the best website. No matter how much you buy, shipping is only $5.00! I couldn't believe it when they arrived. This cute, simple yet stylish, only requires a REAL bra and stockings, UN-petite sized dress Fit almost perfectly-!! Being only 5' tall it is nearly impossible to find a regular size that's perfect. I needed the shoulders lifted up a bit. It is being altered as I type. The best thing is I have shoes and a purse that match beautifully. I AM DONE! I AM EXCITED! I will be seeing people at this wedding that I haven't seen in many years. I just wanted to look my best. Is that so terrible? So, I am a bit nutty, what can I say. Clinton is already dreading what I will put him through when it's Our kids getting married. Hmmm Maybe, I should start shopping soon.....

Inspirations

When I read Sundayscribblings prompt many things came to mind, but I decided to write about some inspirations in dieting.
If you have followed my posts you know I am on weight watchers (again). This time around I have been inspired by a few great tips I've been taught. First off it's helpful to have some great low point foods around. My inspirations lately have been Kashi ranch crackers. These little babies are inspiring me NOT to eat chips. 15 crackers = 2 pts. If I sit with a bowl of 30 of these tasty, crunchy treats( and eat slowly,) they really help my salt craving. Another Inspiring but impossible to find must have are the new hostess 100 calorie cupcakes! 3 tiny sugar-craving- satisfying cupcakes = ONE point! They are missing the white squiggly line on top, but other than that they are the same yummy ones we nourished ourselves with and got our sugar high from during childhood. A cup of tea midday with 3 of these is all an inspiration seeking mom needs. Speaking of tea, Tea has been my new cookie. Instead of popping oreos and chips ahoy as I run through my day, I now take the time to sit and savor some of my favorite teas. ( Tzao's Zen is a must try!) At lunch time I never feel I can find a low point yummy meal. Until recently- Amy's frozen shepherd pie is only 3 points and with a bag of veggies on the side, it is satisfying and inspires me to keep on watching those cals! I sound like a food infomercial, no?
Finally the mother lode of inspiration has come from Mr. Tony Little! Yes, that long haired, over the top, wacky Gazelle guy!
My husbands orthopedist suggested a no-impact exercise for his bad knee and actually mentioned the gazelle. So we ordered it off tv. At first I thought, Geez this is doing nothing. The only thing that was sore, were my calves. I thought I would end up looking like popeye. But, I have to admit, watching Tonys dvd while gazelling is quite motivating. He shouts " You Can DO iiiiitttttt!!" many times and says things like " Losers let it happen, winners make it happen". After doing this workout for a week, I do feel like it is not only giving me tight calves, but it's helping the obliques, the butt and even the abs. Most importantly it's giving me the inspiration to get moving in other ways too. After 20 min. a day on this swinging, metal monstrosity - I'm inspired to do well on weight watchers and feel good all day.

Expectations

Do you have high expectations in relationships? Yesterday I did a lot of talking about this with my mil and later on with some friends. I am still feeling the effects of a recent relationship upset. As a matter of fact, I feel heartbroken. We were discussing how often people give up on other people because of disappointment and hurt. We all expect certain things from certain relationships. We all have needs, desires and raise the expectation bar accordingly. We all however, Are not mind readers. Communication is the core of any good relationship. We can't know what a friend or loved one is expecting from us, or needing from us if they don't give us a clue. Yesterday I questioned if it is more likely that someone with a very small circle of friends and family would Need more from those few people. Where as someone who is surrounded by many family members, friends and acquaintances, may not expect as much, because she is being fulfilled and kept busy by many. A therapist once told me, expect nothing from everyone. Then, even the smallest gesture will make you happy. If you find your self disappointed a lot, you may need to take that advice too. Lower expectations. ( SNL, skit, No?) In this situation, I am not the one with the high expectations. I am disappointed not because I expected something from this someone. I am heartbroken and disappointed because apparently she had high expectations which she failed to communicate clearly. Instead of working it out as one would with someone you care for, she chose first, to be cold, then vicious. She chose to attack. I would NEVER have done this to her. I would NEVER have been so offensive and cruel. Letting emotions build and build, I guess would be the reason for such an eruption. Actually, after reading this back, I guess I too had high expectations. I expected that after being in each others lives for so long, she would care about throwing our relationship away. It's so crushing to realize how wrong you were about someone. It's also so crushing to know you weren't as loved as you so confidently thought you were. They say time heals and I am counting on that to help me spend less time dwelling on this weighty emotional drama. Counting on forgiving and forgetting and hopefully getting to a place where we can still be in each others lives.

dream journey

I recently wrote about dreams, because mine have been disturbing lately. So the prompt this week, Dream Journey- made me question what path I took to get here. What dreams have led me to these troubled ones? Is there a connection? The fact that my new dreams are reoccurring is reminding me of reoccurring dreams I had during my dreadful high school years. My high school dreams were about escaping. I was running through a fun house type of house. Opening doors only to realize it was a dead end. Panicky and frightened, I kept trying to get out. The weird thing is even back then I was holding a childs hand, Not as young as the recent nightmares, but still representing a dependent, innocent. I had this dream sometimes 3 times a week. Always waking disturbed and puzzled. I remember questioning my psychology teacher and his interpretation was, I was trying to escape a troubling situation and the child I was dragging was My inner child, the Naive, gullible part of me. ( he elected me "most gullible", because one day the bell didn't sound the same, when I questioned it, he told me the man that usually made that noise was out sick so it was a substitute making the new sound! I can't even believe I was ever THAT gullible!) A few months after I moved out of my moms home, I realized those dreams had stopped. Giving me a great understanding of what was troubling me. When I was feeling happy and less stressed so were my dreams. Through the years I have had a few memorable nightmares, In vivid color, as exciting and suspenseful as a hitchcock flick. But it's those reoccurring dreams that stick with me. It's so curious, that we can repeat the same theme and images. It's like we have a built in dvd player and are too lazy to think up a new adventure some nights. Just hit play and watch it again.

I don't think these "neglected baby" dreams have anything to do with escaping. The fact that they are reoccurring may be the only thing they have in common with those old dreams. As far as stress goes, I have been feeling less stressed than I have in years. I feel like a totally different woman than who I was in December. I made a few life changes and I make a conscious effort each day to stop and smell the roses, and stop and realize how lucky I am. So maybe the journey has become me forgetting about the inner me, because she doesn't need my help anymore. She is independent a little less innocent and happy, real happy and grateful for being so.

Miss cookies kitchen

Do you remember your favorite colorforms set?
Do you remember mine? Miss Cookies kitchen! It had little cabinet doors that actually opened allowing you to place the little dishes and such neatly in there. I remember spending many hours fantasizing about having my own kitchen someday. With my own little cabinets that I would organize and keep Just so! Geeez, what a wacky little kid I was! Here I am today, with many little cabinets, wishing Miss Cookie would get her ass over here and straighten them all out for me. I will admit when I first bought my house I was very attentive to all the details such as having the pantry divided into sections. Rice and pasta here, Cereals over there. Oooh that shelf will be Just canned goods!! I WAS living the Miss cookie fantasy (or nightmare.) Now It's, "here -shove this box of oatmeal up on top of that teetering pile of ramen noodles, that should fit". Life is just too busy and when there is time I would rather be doing ANYTHING else but! Somedays the"booby traps" ( that's what my husband has appropriately named them) get to me. ( Although- I won't admit that to him!!) When you are cooking and trying to get the flour and have a few other items drop on your toe, Or the dreaded tupperware cabinet! It is like a house of cards in there! ( I will use cereal bowls for storage, just not to deal with that scene.) When things get this crazy, I think it may be time to dig down and find the Miss Cookie gene that I had as a child. Another problem Miss Lucy's Kitchen has is too many of the same item! I've been so unorganized lately that I will buy MORE sugar or salt or syrup, only to come home and find I already had 2 or 3! If we give up fresh fruits and veggeys, I could probably skip food shopping for a month.
Tell me about your colorform memories!

Very Superstitious

When I think of Superstitions, I always think of my mom. She was known to Yell "you're going to have a fight", If you got a little itch on your nose. She would always "knock wood" to make sure something you were talking about wouldn't happen. (I am embarrassed to admit I have inherited this one)
Itchy Palm- That's a good one! You'll be getting money. She had so many of these. I remember something about having to throw salt over my shoulder?? I don't remember why, and Why would you want to clean that up? I also remember her getting hysterical one day because the driver of a hearse tipped his hat at her! Of course she lectured about the usual ones too, NEVER open an umbrella in the house, walk under a ladder or the worse one- Break a mirror! I guess I am lucky to still be here, because I am guilty of those last 3. I don't remember what was suppose to go wrong, maybe not death just A LOT of Bad luck! I think we all are superstitious in some ways. I always feel unless I think the worst will happen, I won't have a safe trip. I HAVE to tell my kids to "Be careful" anytime they leave the house. I have run out the door sometimes to say this, because I thought they didn't hear me. Maybe Superstitions are just another way we give ourselves comfort, security and self preservation. Kind of like a cookie or a nice Merlot. There are many stranger things we could believe in.
Read other thoughts on superstitions
over at Sundayscribblings

mac is back

So happy to have my computer back. It only took them 3 days to repair the mother ship or whatever they said it was.
I was relieved we didn't lose all our info as I didn't back up everything like I should have. Is everyone out there backing up onto a cd or a separate hard drive or something?? I am amazed at how little I really know about computer management. As the genius put all my photos onto a dvd for me- I watched in amazement at how he navigated around, Making Mac work in ways I didn't know he was even capable of! He put him to sleep with a slight of hand movement, He told Mac to ask questions automatically. He really knew how to push Mac's buttons. It must have felt good to show off all his attributes. With me, he is not 1/2 the mac he ought to be.