Thoughts on aging heart and soul

I am remembering that it wasn't too long ago when I had the passing thought that my future would Definitely contain some 'minor appearance adjustments'. Back then when I looked in the mirror and saw new little crows feet dancing around my eyes I thought.. NO WAY do I want to become all wrinkly and old looking! I mentioned it jokingly to my eldest who was probably only in high school at that time. I yelled.. "Start saving up for my surgery!!" Well, my surprisingly wise young son looked at me with his serious strong handsome face and more Like a Parent enlightening a child, he said to me.. "Mom, Every line around your eyes show all the times you've laughed in your life, Why in the world would you want to erase that reminder?" I hugged him and told him how brilliant he was and I never forgot those beautiful words and his beautifully heartfelt theory.

Fast forward a few years as I watched a very close friend make a 360 degree turn in not only her appearance but her entire attitude. I guess this was her way of handling aging. I tried so hard to be supportive of the "NEW Her", and was feeling so damn guilty and sad when our friendship died. Until, once again.. The wise words of that same son.. "mom, YOU are still the same person you were when u met her.. SHE did all the changing. If you would have met her the way her personality is today, you would have Never befriended her, right? So,move on and forget feeling guilty! I listened and moved on and am not guilty anymore, but I still can't help missing the 'old her', the friend who wasn't just totally obsessed with keeping herself youthful.


I've always felt that aging is a precious gift. I lost a dear friend to breast cancer at the tragically young age of 37. She left two young children behind. Had she been graced with a choice, I will Bet you Anything, she would have chosen growing older, no matter how many wrinkles, aches and pains, were part of that package. With each passing year and each additional wrinkle to mark each year also comes an additional indentation of wisdom. As I am growing older I feel like I am absorbing, valuing and appreciating the tiny blessings that I overlooked in my youth. The feelings of awareness, self confidence and freedom from insecurities are also rewardingly blissful. Certainly worth exchanging for some saggy, wrinkly outer skin. After all, that IS all that is.. your outer covering. If we could be turned inside-out, I think we would see that the older a person is lucky enough to grow,the more radiantly beautiful their hearts and souls become.
So I am opting out of any ideas of changing my outer skin, instead I am hoping to enjoy aging for a long, albeit wrinkly time. keeping a young attitude in mind but developing an exceedingly old, sparklingly enlightened, heart and soul. (as well as improving my computer skills!!)



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my oldest friend

The song playing always brings her to mind.
I recently ran into my oldest childhood friend at the Italian market. My friend Linda only lives about 10 minutes from me. We still email occasionally.
We have only intentionally met up a couple of times for a lunch in the past 20 years. I still send her a birthday card each year.
Yet, We were not only inseparable as children we were also blood sisters. Remember that Pre-HIV ritual that kids would partake in to confirm their bond of sisterhood? Linda and I met when we were in Kindergarden. Mrs. Woods' class. We didn't get friendly outside of school until the 2nd grade, when Our moms began working together and discovered their girls were in the same Class. ( Mrs. Masucci's class!) We quickly became best friends as did our Moms. Each weekend I would sleep over at her house. She had the 'fun' neighborhood, full of kids around our age. Looking forward to each weekend helped me get through some difficult times in my own family life. In high school, I began living with her and her parents. My own Mom was going through some tough times and this arrangement made everyone happy. I don't know how it happened, but when I decided two years later that I wanted to move back home to my Moms home, everything fell apart. Linda's mom freaked out... calling me ( at only 16 years old) ' A fair weather friend'. ( They had had two deaths in their extended family). I was heart broken to lose my '2nd family' and more heartbroken to know that Linda was not suppose to talk to me. Even though she tried to respect her Moms wishes... In school during lunch period, we just had to sit together and chat and try thinking of ways to make our families bond again. As a grown woman, When I looked back on this entire situation years later... I realized her Mom was going through her own traumatic difficulties which I know affected how she looked at the simple, harmless request of a child.

( I have a vivid painful memory of receiving the card I sent her for mothers day ripped into many pieces and mailed back to me, MY mother declared her insane) The trauma of her rejection added so much to what I was already going through at that time. Linda, being an only child, was devastated by our forced separation. It is so unfortunate that we couldn't find a way to remain close friends. We went our separate ways only a few minutes down the same avenue. Each time I run into her my heart fills with warmth and it fills with a mournfulness over the wonderful times we missed out on in each other's lives and the lives of our children.
I don't think we could ever be as close as we were as kids (for too many reasons too complicated to discuss) but like she said to my son at that market recently about her oldest friend....." It doesn't matter how many years pass, each time we see each other I still feel like we're best friends". I love you too Linda and I feel the same way about you. ♥


If this sounds familiar I am reusing a story I wrote a few months back because it fit so well with the sunday scribblings prompt
Often when you've read about my childhood, you may remember...... Linda in the stories

special travelers

As we journey through our lives we share our journey with many fellow travelers. Many of these travelers stay with us through most of life's journey. Some journeyers jump off for a personal detour and leave no forwarding address. Some detour for a short time and meet up with you on a path many years down life's ever changing road. I thought about some of my fellow travelers before writing this. The friends that I felt were so close to me and then suddenly they just grew distant. The Co-workers that became dear friends and were 'Everyday comrades'. Sometimes exposing to each other more about our inner souls than our dear old friends knew. Friends who swore to keep in touch when I decided to leave the job... but alas didn't keep that promise. I also thought about my clients through the years. They are definitely fellow travelers. We share many laughs but many, many heart-wrenching, heartfelt and intimate conversations. I've watched their children grow up, their parents pass away and some of their marriages fail. I feel like I've been an important road stop for them in their travels. I know many have been so important to me. I reflect on all these important people as I travel my path on life's purposeful journey. However through my 48 year pilgrimage there has always been another significant constant accompaniment. My beloved Dogs. Ever since I can remember I have always had a dog in my life. My faithful, loving, fellow traveler. Affectionate, genuine, tried and true friends. Soulful eyes knowing my every mood. Watching my journey with loyal, unending devotion. Since as far back as I can remember in my life, a little sweet dog-friend has always been there. My earliest memory is of Mr. chips. Then (Miss)Daisy, then Lucky and little Cocoa. Later on with my husband there was Blinky ( who we thought was John Belushi reincarnated, He was born on the day of Johns death and had a similar personality ) and Maggie (intelligent, sensitive, sweet baby) Today we share our journey with Molly and Cosmo. They are cherished members of our family. Cosmo ( pictured above in his baby blue shirt) ran off a few days ago. One of my sons friends forgot to shut our gate. When I realized he was missing ( early morning, when it was still dark) It was this Baby blue shirt I spotted across the street. I was able to yell "come!" and he thankfully returned home safely. If he wasn't wearing his 'silly shirt' ( my family made fun of me for buying it), I know I would NEVER have spotted a black dog in the dark (without my glasses) and the thought of him being lost or god forbid hit by a car was simply Terrifying. I Pray Mr.Cosmo and Miss Molly will walk along with me much MUCH longer on our joined journey through life.

friendship

Thanks Writers Island. Your prompt this week was timely considering an hour before I looked to you for the prompt, I ran into my childhood friend at the Italian market. My friend only lives about 10 minutes from me. We still email occasionally.
We have only met a couple of times for lunch in the past 20 years. I sent her a birthday card just last month.
Yet, We were not only inseparable as children we were also blood sisters. Remember that Pre-HIV ritual that kids would partake in to confirm their bond of sisterhood? Linda and I met when we were in Kindergarden. Mrs. Woods' class. We didn't get friendly outside of school till the 2nd grade, when Our moms began working together and discovered their girls were in the same grade. We quickly became best friends as did our Moms. Each weekend I would sleep over at her house. She had the 'fun' neighborhood, full of kids around our age. Looking forward to each weekend helped me get through some difficult times in my own family life. In high school, I began living with her and her parents. My own Mom was going through some tough times and this arrangement made everyone happy. I don't know how it happened, but when I decided two years later that I wanted to move back home to my Moms home, everything fell apart. Linda's mom freaked out... calling me ( at only 16 years old) ' A fair weather friend'. ( They had had two deaths in their extended family). I was heart broken to lose my '2nd family' and more heartbroken to know that Linda was not suppose to talk to me. Even though she tried to respect her Moms wishes... In school during lunch period, we would try to chat and would think of ways to make things right again. When I looked back on this years later... I realized her Mom was going through her own traumatic difficulties which I know affected how she looked at the simple, harmless request of a child.
( I have a vivid painful memory of recieving the card I sent her for mothers day ripped into many pieces and mailed back to me) The trauma of her rejection added so much to what I was already going through at that time. And being an only child, I know this seperation was devestating to Linda. It is so unfortunate that we couldn't find a way to remain close friends. We went separate ways only a few minutes down the same avenue. Each time I see her my heart fills with warmth and it fills with a mournfulness over the wonderful times we missed out on in each other's lives.
I don't think we could ever be as close as we were as kids (for too many reasons too complicated to discuss) but like she said today to my 23 year old son whom she had never met before....." It doesn't matter how many years pass, each time we see each other I still feel like we're best friends". I love you Linda and I feel the same way about you. xo


Often when you've read about my childhood, you may remember...... Linda in the stories